


without you (nothing is alright)

by winterbitch (WinterLadyy)



Series: the promise [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Come on it's Loki, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Presumed Dead, Reminiscing, Thor loves Loki, we all know he ain't dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 03:13:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14559600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterLadyy/pseuds/winterbitch
Summary: !!!INFINITY WAR SPOILERS!!!It wasn't the first time that Thor was mourning, not even the first time he was mourning Loki. But this time, something felt different, as I'd this was really it.That didn't stop Thor from expecting Loki to turn up, as always.





	without you (nothing is alright)

**Author's Note:**

> INFINITY WAR SPOILERS COME ON ITS CANON COMPLIANT (KINDA)
> 
>  
> 
> first work in this fandom so be gentle also written and posted on my phone during a ride so mistakes are all mine
> 
> edit: not changing anything, just editing my terrible terrible writing

1.

From the start, Thor knew that something was different from all the other times that Loki had died. 

It was this subtle difference in the air around them, something rippling through the empty air around them as if someone important had been taken away. And Loki had always made the air around him shift as if crackling with power, subtle yet powerful, wag more than 

 Thor would ever be able to, even with his thunder. Loki just made a difference, good or bad, and the universe showed it. Therefore, it wasn't surprising that something shifted when he died. When he had been murdered. 

At first, Thor refused to believe that, even while he was desperately clutching Loki’s cold dead body. It was too still, too lifeless to be his though, especially as Loki had always been bursting with ideas and plans. There had always been so much life inside of him, that the difference was startling. 

So Thor screamed himself hoarse, demanding, begging Loki to reveal himself, to end this cruel joke, but nothing changed. Loki’s body was as still and cold as it had been, no heartbeat, no pulse to be felt when Thor laid his head against Loki’s chest. And so he sobbed when the reality came crashing down. 

Loki, his beloved Loki, was dead. And he could feel, that this time it was probably for good. That there would be no miraculous coming back, though his heart refused to believe it. There was this sliver of hope, that this was all a nightmare, that he would wake up and come pounding on Loki’s door, which would open to his exasperated smirk, with a hint of worry in his emerald eyes. 

Loki would scoff but usher him inside while he taunted Thor. There would be bickering but they would stay up until the morning cycle, talking and arguing, until Thor’s heart would calm down, at the sight of his Loki. 

Unfortunately, nothing of the sorts happened and he just closed his eye when the whole thing started to blow. Still holding Loki close, his heart bleeding, Thor decided to let the fate decide. 

 

2.

When he woke up on that cold table, Thor at first felt relief. It had only been a dream, and Loki was just a wall away, probably trying to figure out how to convince other planets to help them. Even that feeling of being on a spaceship was right and the only thing wrong was the cold hardness under his back. It was them that the reality hit.

Loki wasn't a wall, he would never be there anymore, because Loki, his beloved Loki was dead murdered by the Mad Titan. At first, Thor couldn't care less about whoever found him, saved his life, because that meant he wouldn't see his brother for a long time. Loki’s body wouldn't even get to have the proper ceremony, instead floating between the destroyed ship with other bodies. It was so easy to just let rage flow through his vines, anger and need for revenge speaking because that was safer than grief. Because Thor knew that the moment he would start to think about all that he's lost, he would break down and sob. 

He told those morons his story, short, unfair version of everyone he's lost, of everything that had been taken away from him, but talking about Loki hurt the most. Maybe because of how fresh his death was, but Thor knew that there was something more. He never loved anything like he loved Loki, even with how complicated and full of pain their relationship became over the years. His love for Loki was greater than his brother's betrayals and little jabs. His love for Loki was even greater than his death. 

Thor made sure to shove those feelings behind, leaving only rage and desire for revenge. That allowed him to focus on what he'd needed to do, what had to be obtained to finally kill that madman. It wasn't hard to play more cheerful than he really was, joking with intergalactic morons and talking with the rabbit. 

It was only when his companions, talking rabbit and Tree had fallen asleep, did Thor allowed himself to think. The ship was steadily making its way to Nidavellir and Thor let his mind wander.

First, came the fond memories of their childhood, of the time before this whole mess had begun, when he and Loki still talked like brothers, still allowed themselves to be close. He remembered sitting with Loki as his brother read some ancient tones, whining and complaining how bored he was, just to hear Loki’s exasperated voice. They sometimes spend their time lying under giant trees, Thor talking about how great he was going to become and Loki his muttering about how he was going to have to be his silent, wise backup. 

Looking back at it, Thor saw where he'd made his mistakes, mostly in nor appreciating Loki as he deserved to be. He had always taken his brother for granted, his brilliant ideas and quick plans that saved their lives again and again and again. He had let others insult Loki whole he had been the only thing actually keeping them alive during their stupid, reckless escapades. 

Sitting in this small, shitty spaceship Thor desperately longed to go back, shake his younger self awake, tell him to make it right. After all, his Loki only wanted to be appreciated and recognized for who he was, for his strengths and sharp mind, brilliant ideas. He had only wanted someone to truly love him for who he was, for his good and bad sides. And Thor had failed him so badly, probably the worst of them all. 

Thor sighed deeply and closed his eye, letting his mind wander to more recent things. Finding Loki back on the ship, there and alive had been one of the best moments of his life. His brother was back, smiling that small, cheeky smile, eyes calmer than they had been in years. When Thor had pulled him in for a hug then, he had felt like home. Like everything would be alright because he had his Loki back at his side, making sure Thor wouldn't do anything too stupid and reckless. 

Loki, even with his betrayals and hurt and daggers had been the best brother Thor could've ever asked for. He had claimed to want to kill him, yet he had saved Thor countless times, always with a quick excuse why he had done it, yet Thor had always known, that Loki loved him, just like he loved his brother. He had been the best brother… 

That was when it hit Thor, what his last words to Loki had been. 

“You really are the worst brother. “

Thor’s hands tightened into fists when the realization came. His last words to his beloved Loki were terrible and Loki died hearing that Thor actually thought he was terrible. Just like back then on Stakar, when Thor had used past tense when telling Loki he had thought the world of him. That was a lie because Thor still thought the world of him. For Thor, Loki had always been and still was, his home. His whole world. And he had failed him for that one last time. 

If he could, Thor would give anything to turn back the time. To make sure that Loki knew just how much Thor loved him, cherished every moment they spent together. That he was the best brother, even with the betrayals and pain and tears, someone Thor always felt better with. He would hold Loki and never let him go. If he only he could. 

 

3.

It was only standing next to the rabbit and Tree in the silent forgery, that Thor caught himself glancing over his shoulder. He kept expecting Loki to pop up with his infuriating smirk and emerald eyes, hands crackling with power. Thor was so used to his brother coming back, that it was strange for him to stay alone. Normally, if Loki survived, he would surely come back, just to taunt Thor, make fun of the rabbit and talk with the Tree. He would just come back because he had promised, back on the ship, that he would keep coming back to him. That Loki may not stay but he would come back, over and over again.

That was why that silence was jarring. Thor kept expecting Loki to turn up and every time he didn't, some part of his heart died. Logically, the God of Thunder knew that his Loki would not return this time, that Thanos would not allow that, no matter what. Still, it hurt every time, probably even more than before. 

Because Loki was his…maybe not rock, but a comet. He kept going away and coming back, a bit different than before but inside still the same and Thor had always taken comfort in that. And to be left alone without that comet felt like a giant shift in gravity. One, that Thor wasn't sure he would survive. 

That was one of the reasons why he didn't think twice about holding the mechanism open himself. After all, what Thor had to lose, aside from his own life? That would actually be a relief, being reunited with his people, his mother and Loki. For he was sure that Loki was in Valhalla with Frigga and Valkyrie and others. Death seemed like an escape, one that he kept looking forward to. 

It wasn't a surprise that he survived, he was a god after all, but it was disappointing all the same. Normally, Loki would just think of some clever way to keep the mechanism open, his green seiðr making impossible things possible. Now, Thor was only left with his lightning and brute strength, one that Loki had always made fun of. 

 

4.

Back on Earth, Thor kept himself enraged. Thanos was so so close, close enough to touch and finally kill, make him suffer for all the lives he had taken. It was easy to let the lightning flow, especially with the memory of Loki’s cold, unmoving body fresh in his mind. Thor knew that his friends needed help and that the Mad Titan was there. It was easy. 

Yet, he still caught himself looking. Maybe not straining his eyes to get a hold of him, but glancing over his shoulder, at high places, behind the warriors. Thor kept expecting Loki to just appear as if nothing was wrong as if he hadn't died, mouth as witty as always magic as powerful as Thor knew it could be. 

Loki would just send him a smirk, ignore the enraged yells of Thor’s Midgardian friends and sent the enemies flying. He would finally show the Earth what the God of Chaos was capable of, remind even Thor that his brother was so much more than just mischief. And it would be glorious, Loki’s power and Thor’s lightning annihilating their enemies.

Just like the old times. 

It was a yell that pulled Thor out of his fantasy and he focused back on the battle, axe ready. So what is his eyes were sad instead of angry? It wasn't as if anyone was looking. 

 

5.

When Thor charged at Thanos with Stormbreaker in his hands, he knew he was going for the heart. He wanted the Titan to feel the same pain Thor had felt when he had killed Loki, killed his people, destroyed his life. He wanted to bring some justice on the world, where so many lost their loved ones, had been left alone and grieving because of some sick ideology. 

Death was too merciful for a being that didn't know the meaning of the word and had proved so again and again and again

It turned out to be a mistake. One that cost Thor and the whole universe greatly. It was just a snap of Thanos’ fingers but Thir could feel the deaths happening. The universe was changed and every fibre of his being was screaming at him. 

Then, people started to turn into ash. 

 

6.

Standing in the empty field still smelling of death felt like an accurate thing to do, when his soul looked the same. 

Thor was just staring at the setting sun. It had been a few hours since the fight and everything was a chaos. He couldn't help but think that Loki would love it, he had always thrived in it, controlled it. It was always a sight to watch his brother create it, control it and let it go, a smirk dancing in his emerald eyes. 

But maybe he would hate it since so much had been destroyed. A delicate balance in the universe had been taken away and Loki always told him about how much it mattered. He had always been quite sensitive to the universe itself, his seiðr flying through every fibre of it. Maybe he would hate every second of it, but at least he would be there, next to him. 

The squeezed his eyes shut and sighed deeply, fighting to stay upright. He missed Loki so much, it actually hurt him physically more than any other of his wounds. The death of his people was a giant hole in his heart, their screams still a symphony echoing in his mind, yet Thor knew that with Loki, he would be able to face it. 

His brother would stand there silently, green eyes dull and full of the same pain that filled Thor’s. Loki may have acted as if he hated Asgard, but he did care about the people, which he had proved on the ship. That loss would've hit him as much as it had Thor and they would just stand there in silence, sharing that pain. It would be so much easier to bear with someone else. 

Loki would lay a gentle hand on Thor’s shoulder and stay quiet because, for all of his talking, his brother had enjoyed the silence. They would just exist, trying to gather the lever before the next fight. Thor wouldn't be alone. 

He swallowed heavily and glanced to his side. It stayed as empty as it had been before and Thor just sank to his knees with a sob. 

“Loki…” he breathed, begging his brother to just come back. “Please… I'll forgive you leaving me to fight alone. Just…come back.”

Nothing answered him, not a snap in the air, no quiet footsteps and gentle voice. Nothing. 

Just as there was nothing left in his heart. 

 

7.

Somewhere, in the deepest parts of the universe, the rightful God-King of Jotunheim, Loki Odinson, opened his eyes.

He gasped for breath, his magic already surging up to repair the damage done by Thanos as he slowly sat up. His hands were blue, not from the lack of oxygen but from the lack of illusion. He tightened his fingers into fists and just breathed for a moment. 

“Well, Stonekeeper,” he spoke roughly into the empty space around him. “Turns out my plan did work out.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> i kind of switched the timelines a bit which means Thanos doesn't find their ship immediately at the end of Thor: Ragnarok
> 
> we all know loki ain't dead but thor is a precious cookie and loves and misses him very much  
> leave a comment if u enjoyed, let me know!


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